Romans 5:3-4 Rejoice in our sufferings

When I was young, I used to spend a lot of time playing by myself.  Not that I didn't have any friends, I had plenty of friends, but I just liked being by myself sometimes.  During these times, I would get our a board game, like Monopoly, and pretend that there were 3 other people playing with me.  Each place around the board had a token to move and I would play each token like it was my very own.  Following the rules and never cheating, I always managed to win the game, even against myself.  I loved board games because they were so methodical.  You would roll the dice, move your token and then do what the board, chance or community chest told you what to do.  As I have grown into an adult and have tried to figure out why I am the way I am, one thing I noticed is that my personality prefers steps in accomplishing a task; not just winging it.  So, when I saw the bible verse for this week you can imagine my excitement because there are steps.  Step 1 = Rejoice in suffering, Step 2 = Suffering produces perseverance, Step 3 = Perseverance produces character and Step 4 = Character produces Hope.

As I look at these steps and see how they might apply to my life, I can't help but think of my mother.  In 2004, our whole family sat at the bedside of my mother as she lay dying of breast cancer.  She had told us 2 days earlier that she just wanted to go be with Jesus.  She just wanted to go home to be with him.  If anyone rejoiced in her suffering it was my mother.  She already knew that what she was going through; the suffering, the perseverance;  helped form her character and lead her one step closer to being with Jesus; her hope in this mess of a disease.  I asked my mother once if she was afraid of dying and she told me that she was more afraid of leaving us behind because she didn't know how we would do without her.  You see, she was already anticipating the goodness and greatness of God that would be found in her eternal rest.  She wasn't afraid or even sad.  I didn't understand it then.  I was too busy being caught up in my grief. 

Our family has had it's share of trials, just like any other family.  As children, my sister and I have lost 2 siblings, a brother and a sister.  In the last 10 years we have lost our mother and our father.  For several years I had a 3 x 5 card with the word "WHY" written on it.  But as I dig deeper into God's word and I stop to listen, truly listen, I am beginning to understand the sense of it all.  Everything in life leads to the anticipation and crowning of God's goodness.  I no longer feel the need to be afraid of the future.  I am taking my turn, rolling the dice and following the steps that my precious God has giving me.

     "Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life."  Revelation 2:10  NJKV





Wholly Committed

Earlier this year, I happened on a christian website that promoted choosing one word for the year that would help define who you are or who you want to be.  I chose the word whole.  I chose that word because at the time, I felt so broken.  I felt so alone.  I chose the word whole because I wanted to not feel those things.  I wanted to work on healing myself, my wounds, so that I could feel like a normal person again.

In 2007, I packed up my daughter and our belongings and moved back to my hometown of Wichita, Kansas.  My sister lived there and we were going to move in with her until we figured out a plan.  I had been in a very toxic relationship for 5 years and finally made the choice to remove myself and my daughter from the situation.  I was excited to have a fresh start and to be close to family, which I had been away from for quite some time.  As time passed, we settled in nicely.  My daughter was active in school and making friends.  I was getting involved in our church and felt like this is where I needed to be in order to heal.

Fastforward to 2013.  I had reconnected with an old friend in late 2007.  We began a long distance relationship and were finally married at Thanksgiving of last year.  Needless to say, I had to move to be with him.  So, we packed up all my stuff, put my house on the market and I started on another new adventure.  Don't get me wrong, marrying my husband was one of the best things I have ever done, but having to start over again was very hard.  And by starting over I mean, finding a new church home, finding new friends, finding a new job and learning to live with someone again as a wife.

I have had difficulty in finding a new church home, but as far as friends, I have found them through Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study.  The current bible study and the one prior, have caused me to enter the depths of my soul and reveal to myself and to God, that I am still broken.  That I need his help to become whole again.  You see, I have been holding on to some very harsh feelings of hatred and hurt from that toxic relationship.  I buried them deep inside and didn't want to release them because I just didn't want to feel that pain anymore.  But I truly believe that at this point in time, God is asking me to release those feelings and forgive.

In her book, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God, Lysa Terkeurst writes; "God is using all your experiences, both good and bad, to develop your character to match your calling.  After all, dear friend, you never know how God will use you until you let him."  I understand why he is asking me to forgive; it is so that I may be totally committed to him and the character that he has set before me.  He doesn't want half my heart, he wants all of it.  So today, my dear friends, and from this day forward, I choose to be wholly committed.



Deuteronomy 6:5

As I sit here with this blank page before me, I can't help but think how exciting my life has been this past week.  This is my first time as a small group leader for Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study.  For weeks leading up to the start of this study, I was receiving emails and following other leaders posts on the FB Group Leader Page, hoping for that one tidbit of profound guidance that I very much needed.  Last Friday, I anxiously awaited the loading of my group (or as I like to refer to it as the "reaping") so that I could begin interacting with them and begin the bonds of christian sisterhood.  Much to my amazement, as with the birth of your first child, once I had my group loaded, my question was...now what?  I thought that I was prepared for this.  What if I fail?  What if they don't like me?  What if I can't pray for them?  What if I can't encourage them?  What if...what if...what if.  By Friday night I was exhausted.  I had worried myself sick.

On Sunday night, I had my first Facebook Chat party for the aWeSoMe YeS gIrLs of Group 25.  They showed up and they participated and we learned about each other.  We answered silly questions and we answered a few tough soul searching questions.  It was wonderful.  After it was over and I had my quiet time, I began to go back over my notes on Chapter 1.  I reflected on our bible verse for the week, which was Deuteronomy 6:5.  I pulled out my bible and my spiral note cards and began to verse map.  I changed the "your" to "my" and I underlined the words that seemed to have a powerful impact. 

My favorite website for verse mapping is www.biblegateway.com.  I have a NIV bible, but I love to cross reference with The Message and The Voice.  As I looked up the different versions of this particular verse, the one thing remained true.  Love God with every ounce of your strength.  Love Him with all that you've got.  A love like that takes total involvement and committment, such as the love that you give your Husband or even the love that you give your child.  It is a love that goes deeper than we can humanly fatham, but it is there for us to take and receive.

My fear and what if's seemed to dissipate.  All my worrying was for not.  In that instance, in that moment, I sat back and said a prayer for God to lead me, guide me and use me however he needed to use me in this ministry.  I put my palms up and said yes to God!!