Wholly Committed

Earlier this year, I happened on a christian website that promoted choosing one word for the year that would help define who you are or who you want to be.  I chose the word whole.  I chose that word because at the time, I felt so broken.  I felt so alone.  I chose the word whole because I wanted to not feel those things.  I wanted to work on healing myself, my wounds, so that I could feel like a normal person again.

In 2007, I packed up my daughter and our belongings and moved back to my hometown of Wichita, Kansas.  My sister lived there and we were going to move in with her until we figured out a plan.  I had been in a very toxic relationship for 5 years and finally made the choice to remove myself and my daughter from the situation.  I was excited to have a fresh start and to be close to family, which I had been away from for quite some time.  As time passed, we settled in nicely.  My daughter was active in school and making friends.  I was getting involved in our church and felt like this is where I needed to be in order to heal.

Fastforward to 2013.  I had reconnected with an old friend in late 2007.  We began a long distance relationship and were finally married at Thanksgiving of last year.  Needless to say, I had to move to be with him.  So, we packed up all my stuff, put my house on the market and I started on another new adventure.  Don't get me wrong, marrying my husband was one of the best things I have ever done, but having to start over again was very hard.  And by starting over I mean, finding a new church home, finding new friends, finding a new job and learning to live with someone again as a wife.

I have had difficulty in finding a new church home, but as far as friends, I have found them through Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study.  The current bible study and the one prior, have caused me to enter the depths of my soul and reveal to myself and to God, that I am still broken.  That I need his help to become whole again.  You see, I have been holding on to some very harsh feelings of hatred and hurt from that toxic relationship.  I buried them deep inside and didn't want to release them because I just didn't want to feel that pain anymore.  But I truly believe that at this point in time, God is asking me to release those feelings and forgive.

In her book, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God, Lysa Terkeurst writes; "God is using all your experiences, both good and bad, to develop your character to match your calling.  After all, dear friend, you never know how God will use you until you let him."  I understand why he is asking me to forgive; it is so that I may be totally committed to him and the character that he has set before me.  He doesn't want half my heart, he wants all of it.  So today, my dear friends, and from this day forward, I choose to be wholly committed.